What Happens in a Compassionate Inquiry Session?
When people first get in touch about working together, one question comes up more than any other: "What will actually happen in a session?"
Underneath it, there is often a quieter question too. Will I have to talk about things I'm not ready for? Will it be too much? What if I don't know what to say?
These are such human concerns, and I want to answer them honestly. Because Compassionate Inquiry is probably gentler, slower, and more in your hands than you might imagine.
If you haven't yet read my introduction to this approach, you might like to start with what Compassionate Inquiry is and why it might matter to you. This article picks up where that one leaves off: what it actually feels like to sit in a session.
At a Glance
| What it is | A gentle therapeutic conversation that follows what is present for you, in the moment |
| Developed by | Dr Gabor Maté and Sat Dharam Kaur |
| Typical format | One to one sessions, in person or online |
| What you need to prepare | Nothing. You don't need a plan, a story, or the "right" words |
| The pace | Yours. Nothing is pushed, and nothing is forced |
Before Your First Session
There is nothing you need to do to get ready. You don't need to have your history worked out, or know what you want to explore, or even be sure this is the right approach for you.
We usually begin with a free introductory call. This is simply a conversation, a chance for you to ask questions, get a feel for how I work, and notice whether it feels safe enough to begin. If it doesn't feel right, that is important information too, and there is never any pressure.
How a Session Unfolds
Every session is different, because every person is different, and because Compassionate Inquiry follows what is alive in you on that particular day rather than a fixed agenda. But there is a natural shape that most sessions share.
| Phase | What happens | Why it matters |
|---|---|---|
| 1. Arriving | We slow down, land in the room, and notice what is present | The nervous system needs to feel safe before anything deeper can open |
| 2. Following | Something comes up: a situation, a feeling, a pattern. We stay with it, gently | The doorway in is whatever is actually here, not what "should" be worked on |
| 3. Inquiring | Soft questions invite you beneath the story, into feeling and sensation | This is where the beliefs and emotions underneath the pattern begin to show themselves |
| 4. Integrating | We slow down again, make space for what emerged, and let it settle | Insight held in the body, not just the mind, is what creates lasting change |
We might start with something that happened this week. A conversation that left you unsettled. A familiar heaviness you can't quite name. Anything is a doorway, because the patterns we carry show up everywhere.
From there, my role is not to analyse you or explain you to yourself. It is to walk beside you with curiosity, asking gentle questions and helping you stay connected to what is happening in your body as we go.
The Kinds of Questions You Might Be Asked
Compassionate Inquiry is built on questions, but not the interrogating kind. They are soft, open invitations, and you can decline any of them. Questions like:
- What are you noticing in your body right now, as you say that?
- What is the feeling underneath that thought?
- How old does this part of you feel?
- When is the first time you remember feeling this way?
- What did you come to believe about yourself back then?
Notice that none of these ask you to justify, explain, or defend anything. There are no right answers. Sometimes the truthful answer is "I don't know" or "I can't feel anything", and that is welcome too. In fact, numbness or blankness is often where the most tender work begins, because it usually points to a place that learned to protect itself. I've written more about how those protections form in understanding defence mechanisms.
Why the Body Is Part of the Conversation
You might notice that many of those questions point towards the body. That is intentional.
Our earliest experiences, especially the painful ones, are not stored as tidy memories we can talk our way through. They live in the nervous system: in tension, in breath, in the urge to shut down or please or disappear. This is why insight alone so often isn't enough, something I explore in why talking alone isn't enough for true healing.
In a session, we keep returning to felt experience. Not to overwhelm you, but because the body is where the pattern actually lives, and it is also where it releases. When a long-held belief like I'm not enough is met with compassion while you can actually feel it, something shifts that no amount of thinking can reach.
For those carrying long-term or early relational wounds, this body-based gentleness matters even more. If that is you, my page on complex trauma may help you understand why.
Where Dr Gabor Maté Fits In
Compassionate Inquiry was developed by Dr Gabor Maté, the physician and author known for his work on trauma, addiction and stress, together with Sat Dharam Kaur. His central insight is simple and profound: our struggles are not evidence that something is wrong with us. They are adaptations, intelligent responses to what we lived through.
A session embodies that stance from beginning to end. We are never hunting for what is broken. We are compassionately curious about what happened, what you learned to believe, and what those adaptations have been protecting all along.
I trained directly through the Compassionate Inquiry®professional programme and am a certified practitioner. In my own work, I also weave in somatic therapy and breathwork, because I have found that the combination reaches places that any single approach alone cannot.
What People Often Notice Afterwards
After a session, people often describe feeling lighter, clearer, or quietly moved. Sometimes there are tears during a session; sometimes there is laughter; often there is simply a sense of oh, that finally makes sense.
It is also completely normal to feel tender or reflective for a day or two afterwards. That is not a sign that something went wrong. It usually means something real was touched, and the body is continuing to process and integrate. Rest, gentle movement, time in nature and warmth all help.
Over a series of sessions, what most people notice is a slow, steady change in how they relate to themselves. Less self-judgement. More space between a trigger and a reaction. A growing capacity to stay with feelings that once felt unbearable. And underneath it all, a quiet sense of coming home to who you actually are.
Frequently Asked Questions
How long is a session?
Sessions are typically an hour. We always leave time at the end to slow down and integrate, so you never leave mid-process. You can find current details on my prices page.
Do I have to talk about my childhood?
No. We follow what is present for you now. The past often surfaces naturally, because our patterns have roots, but nothing is dug for and nothing is forced. You choose what you share, always.
What if I get emotional, or feel nothing at all?
Both are welcome. Emotion is not a problem to be managed, and numbness is not a failure. Whatever arises is met with the same compassion, and we only ever go at the pace your system can comfortably hold.
Is Compassionate Inquiry the same as counselling?
There is overlap, but the emphasis is different. Rather than staying with the story and the thinking mind, Compassionate Inquiry keeps gently returning to the beliefs, emotions and body sensations underneath the story. It is less about advice, and more about safely feeling and releasing what has been held.
How many sessions will I need?
There is no fixed number. Some people come for a short series around something specific; others choose ongoing work to explore deeper patterns. We review together as we go, and you remain in charge of that decision.
Do you offer sessions online or in person?
Both. I work with people one to one online and in person. The approach translates beautifully to online work, and many of my clients meet with me that way.
A Gentle Next Step
If reading this has stirred something, curiosity, relief, maybe a little nervousness, you are welcome to reach out. There is no obligation and nothing to prepare. Just a conversation to see whether this way of working feels right for you.
You can get in touch here, or read more about my one to one therapy sessions. Wherever you are starting from, you don't need to have the words for it yet. That is what the work is for.
